Schizoid but healing

When it began it was a whirlpool, then it was a 24 hrs roller-coaster ( I am scared as hell to get on a roller coaster) thn it turned into a horror film with me being the possessed, then I was literally on some activist tirade trying to set the world right. Combined with all these horrifying situations was trying to bring up two kids and maintain peace with my husband and other family or friends…it felt like I was a slave to some secret system of existence.

I fought being a subject of over medication, every now and then slipping on it and justifying it by saying and showing that it kept me active and not tied down to the corner of a room. Maintained civility with the doctors who listened to the hapless husband very time I had a relapse and tried to increase the dose or add some new tablets.

For years and years, 10 years exactly, of struggling to find the right dose and medication , being in and out of asylum I finally found some peace when I was prescribed anti hypertensives along with the antipsychotic I was on. Slowly my brain cooled down, my body relaxed and I was no longer on continuous fight or flight mode. It coincided with my decision to give up all hopes, expectations and ambitions in life and live life one day at a time, cherishing time spent with family who cared. Also my diet was circumstantially changed to very simple home-made food.

Yes, schizoidal diseases as autoimmune diseases makes sense but the inflammatory agent though cannot be identified it could range from food to parasites. To change our highly charged immune system, the overactivated sympathetic system must come to rest so that the lymphoid system doesn’t get signals of body being in an emergency. Meanwhile, to allay stressful thoughts, I wrote books after books on poetry and fiction, blog after blog of real life snippets and spiritual, did all kinds of exercise like yoga, dancing, walking, chatted and talked to a lot of people, fell in and out love several times not knowing who I was falliing in love with, chased a lot of personal dreams to achieve very little compared to the passion I felt for it, travelled a lot with family, fought a lot many people to break free from crowds in order to re-establish solitude. Finally Found some peace with my dual mind.

Autoimmune or anti-inflammatory in nature schizoid diseases sure does put the body and mind in a fight or flight mode. Mebbe it is the bizarre thoughts that put the sympathetic system on alert. But what provokes the bizzare thoughts otherwise called delusions? Most likely some agent or agents triggers an unravelling of the nervous system and the story that unfolds is so scary that our entire lymphatic system and circulatory system is hyperactivated to the point of body and brain discomfort. And withdrawal of medications may bring back the unravelling so a schizoid is condemned to life long treatment. The best bet is to seek out a stress free lifestyle and slowly wean off the dosage to a minimal optimal dose that keeps us active and creates no great harmful side effects. The biggest problem with stopping medication is that accumulated stress in living can bring back the sympathetic system to an alert and we won’t even realize that we are becoming schizoid again, so a relapse may occur. Controlling a relapse needs bigger dosages of anti psychotics. The biggest challenge, therefore, is finding an optimal minimal dose. If and ever mine is weaned off completely I would probably have gained a lot of mind control over matter. Schizoids are very sensitive and emotional and pretty much defensive about how they are. So they fight tooth and nail to stay true to themselves. Peace be upon such people dwelling in idealism.

Published by EssenceofPresence

For life. For good. For cheer.

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