Everyone has them…thoughts that overwhelm with sadness, thoughts that prick the mind like a hundred thorns, actions that cut the silence like a knife, actions that creep on you like a thick vine and suffocate.
Mine are varied, but anything that bespoke of love that was, is the most inflammatory thought-provoking feeling. I cut it short immediately nowadays.So that the inflammation doesn’t take roots and make my life unsatisfactory.
There is the insulting words with which someobody hurts or with which I hurt somebody.
There is the thought of living the rest of the life like a hermit sans passion or emotion.
There is the action of doing work I don’t enjoy or don’t do well while not being able to do some work I love.
There is the thought of past rudeness or courage that caused no result in the positive.
There is the cause and effect of boredom.
There is dream that has seven colours and how I could make them come true if I only tried when I don’t put an effort towards it.
Oh! Isn’t that plenty enough to make some poison in my blood? Have to transfuse my blood with new life. this can’t go on.
I guess writing will be therapeutic and would serve as the vessel for new life to be infused with vibrant flow.
This is a common refrain used by English speaking junta in my community around India. Mad or what? It is a dear way of saying don’t be silly.
This is what I ask myself now, ever since I started accepting my madness. One prime reason I have this friendly banter with myself is because I have realized how madness can steer the mind towards crime; and the best way to avoid it is by turning it all into a friendly banter, thus dusting off the dirt off the mind.
Pleasantry of mind is cultivated by self appreciation and self-acknowledgement. One must acknowledge one’s worst fears if one can’t overcome it. For eg. skiing on an icy slope maybe your worst adventure sport fear but one has either to do it and overcome or accept and then move on believing that you will never go out there and do it(And it is no big deal).
In a queer state of mind one has to constantly press upon one’s mind the need to veer off the mainstream and go ahead and jump off the cliff of sanity once in a while. But ensuring a safety net, if not an option then keep it dramatic and humorous. Avoid the pitfall of violence and anger.
You are very likely to meet another who is madder still. Therefore, it is doubly necessary that you don’t bounce off your madness off each other. Such a mistake will blow your minds by giving the high of having found another person who is bonkers but brainy and free to do his will. If you have to coalesce your mind with such a person then the best bet would be to follow a hobby, start a non-profit project, engage in charity either fund raising or random acts of kindness, write about issues as an arm chair activist, do social media awareness and such.
Mad or what? I mean, you really think there is a map for mad people to follow to come out winners? Really, relax, the sane have a very very, very ,very….n number of very times difficulty accepting that madness can be good. Simply, good. As for successful, well, you know it is comparable to asking for the moon. The social fabric, and the whole system has to be overwhelmed and upheaved before you can start your success story from scratch. It is that difficult. Accept it but for good causes, this difficult proposition could become just a big challenge. And then, madness might get rewarding in terms of revenue flowing in.
When the stresses and pain o life overwhelms us, a continuous string of songs help alleviate our sufferings. It is in the listening and absorption that hormones dance to tunes that stimulates life in the body to a more accepting condition of existence.
It works through the ears and rests the eyes and other sense organs. It has a strange way of growing on you. Like a bunch of vines on a tree trunk.
Finally, I have concluded that my country is not worth the pain that I have endured to keep its flag flying high. It is a mess here. You try and try to make people see sense but they just rebel more and more to become senseless rebels. It is upto them to fight climate change . I have educated them well enough, hopefully. When Nature gives everything free such as sunlight, wind, water, food then I too have distributed my enlightenment for free too. I don’t know how else I could have upheld the integrity of nature.
I have it, plain in my vision, a cove where waves lash ashore with ease. It is someplace I know and have been to, had food from and watched little ones being taught fishing. That was where I thought life begins again. Man teaching his children to fish rather than just to eat. To know where what we eat comes from and how important it is to appreciate the effort to have brought mankind to a position in life where he doesn’t worry about acquiring the next meal by preparing to hunt.
Of course we hunt, we hunt for money and maybe for moneyed people. That’s pathetic. We must learn to fish, we must learn to find our own money. No one method to it but honesty and sincerity are two values that can keep it steady.
Coming back to home turf , I retired my aggressive ambition in favour of Nature pouring rains on my parade. I curl up on bed and sleep, I spread myself lavishly and sleep, I sleep like a dead log. Sleeping it off or tying up my faculties in a bundle and not bleeding words or action anymore.
This year is gonna be difficult if I don’t let the cooling happen like it should. Any sign of struggle will set back my repentant mind a few years back thus bring walls down and deluge. Therefore a sweet surrender to words I write in hope of living them out.
Otherwise, these chain of words will become my own enemy. I have to air them out and turn them into a comfort blanket for the time being. That way I can shed the weight of over written life that drowns like a salt bag, heavier in its drenched state. The ocean of my dreams must not turn any more Saltier.
This is where I am at and it will be like that for sometime.
If one lets life be, then it could be noticed that there is a sudden spurt in growth, activity, wanderings and wilderness. This leads from creativity to chaos to procreation. It is only with procreation that sensibilities calm down to appreciate the result of the hyperactivity and restlessness. A simple surrender at the altar of one’s vision in person seals the case and make us enter into a pact with nature and everything around us. Life is tricky but fertile, quirky but agile, kinky but senile, risky but methodical; in its grasp we are spirits, it shapes not only our minds but also our bodies. For those limbs to grow, for those muscles to bulb out, for that fat to melt some sort of surrender to nature’s will is required since rebellion against life will derange, not align our matter to our mind-sets.
I am not against any group of peaceful people, not gays or lesbians, not cinema fraternity or singers unit, not black or white people, not men or women rights demanders,not ethnic or casteist groups, not against anyone who loves life. I love and like everyone and therefore I wish everyone will become sensitive to ecology and environment and save this planet from destruction. To place above one’s personal interest the right to love life in general . So I am pro-life, pro-friendship and pro- environment. Rest is all divisions along personal issues which is heightened by historical tiffs, tyrranies and fights, fuelled by some people who thrive on negativity. Let us rise above all that and embrace life with its imperfections and broken-ness. Even if the whole world chooses to hate me I want to survive just like Nature who we humans are destroying. With so many animals going extinct and so much forests destroyed I am feeling that all those who loved me is dead. I feel like mother earth, pained beyond despair. Let us join hands or individualistically do whatever we can to bring about policy making to suit the environmental restoration and repair
Recently, I sort of made up my mind to stop being mad and start being sad. NO, I didn’t use the rhyme to impress something I didn’t mean to. Quite contrary, I mean to be sad and so I expressed it that way.It is like one of those religious rituals where you go through repentance by hurting yourself either physically or by pretending sadness. But I am not pretending sadness, I am living it. And I am able to do so because I have effectively blocked out all means of entertainment, shaken off my circle of influence by hook or crook and basically become a hermit of sorts who lives with limited thoughts, movement and emotions.
That explains why the word repentance started sounding right for righting the criminal tempest that I threw around. In that raging state of mind I was embroiled in an emotional tornado, throwing every thing and everyone out of my reach and making them broken. Putting a distance from well meaning people meant that I had to be rude, stubborn and uncaring. It killed many people to know that I was not being the person they had taken a liking to or started trusting. I gave them words that stuck like daggers in their hearts and caused much emotional destruction and reconstruction.
I repent that. Though I repent it but in the process I have accidently sensitised some people to beautiful things like love, care, family and friends. And while they have climbed into that boat, I have off-loaded myself like some deep sea creature who is off to seek a cove of solitude. It is heavy work, being the tornado and retreating back into sea like the dying wind of change. My repentance is private and protected, it is meant to be sad and it is. But the good thing about it is that nobody interferes in it anymore. It is of my own making and I am the only one bearing its burden. That somehow is acceptable to me, unlike my rage which had spilled over and involved everyone in its wake. This, that I feel now, is mine and mine alone; sharing it with someone will be sweet but I am not desperate to do that. It ferments slowly like wine.